coming out

I went to the doctor two weeks ago and she had an intern with her. Before the intern

stepped into the room, her and my doctor had a conversation about me and why i was there for my check up.The intern came into the room where I was sitting on the patient bed and my mom was sitting on the chair in the corner. It is a normal doctors office. My main doctor has not stepped into the room yet because it is the interns job to listen to heart beat, ask me how I am feeling, and do all the pre check up duties. It was then when i heard it for the first time. She asked me if I started to take control of something else in my life because when someone is working through an eating disorder they let go of the focus on food and start to over focus on another aspect to over compensate the focus on food.

She said it. Eating disorder. She said it casually, with confidence, and with no emotions attached to it. Just another everyday word.

My doctor has never said those two words (eating disorder). My family, friends, me included; have never said those two words. I am picky, I choose not to eat that, I am a heath nut, i am scared of those foods. Those are the words that would come out of my mouth because I convinced myself that I did not have an eating disorder.

my disorder is funny. I have been so focused on getting better that i am scared of being hungry. i wont see friends for a long period of time becuase I know I will get hungry and have to run home and eat. it is hard for me to travel because i am scared to go long periods with no food that i am not comfortable with. What if my friends/family that i am spending time with are not hungry and i am? i have to run to find food somewhere and have to drag them along while we could be in the middle of enjoying our day.

i am coming out saying i have an eating disorder and not one persons disorder is the same as another. they are all unique. I am working through mine; STILL, and it is getting so much better. There are still foods that i am scared of or that I just do not want to eat. But i have gotten to a point where if there is something that i am uncomfortable with, i wont have a panic attack with tears in my eyes at the table. I will either send it back calmly or look at my plate say to myself "I know i asked for sauce on the side, the sauce is on the plate, I think i can eat this and I will be ok."

Xx